Crowds Demand Deep Fried Butter Sticks and Simple Games Between RNC Carnival Hate Speeches

Cleveland played host to the Republican National Convention this week where Donald Trump became the official Republican nominee. As thousands flocked to Quicken Loans Arena to hear a star studded lineup featuring Scott Baio and the cast of Duck Dynasty, Todd Simmons, director of Carnival Midways, set up shop just outside.

Simmons states, "We travel all over the country, but we never miss a chance for a Republican National Convention Carnival. Every four years we set another record for profits during the four day event, but this year has been absolutely incredible. These are very simple people. Somehow even more so this year. All we did was draw Trump arrows on the ground and they just waddle from booth to booth and give us their money. After a day of hate speeches these people just want to relax with a nice deep fried stick of butter and a simple game where they can try to throw darts at Hillary balloons."

The director does admit that this year his games needed to dumbed down a bit more than usual. "Really any game with more than one simple directive is off limits for this crowd. Again these are very simple people. They know which colors to boo at and when to chant USA and when to say, 'One nation, under God', but if you have a game with multiple steps and any sort of critical thinking, their eyes just kind of glaze over and they start drooling a bit. You have to snap them out of it by whispering 'Black Lives Matter' into their ears. This year we've tried to stick to throwing darts at different things and ring tosses."

RNC delegates and fans aren't the only ones to participate. Multiple Senators, Governors and public figures have been seen wandering the carnival after their hate speeches. "I don't think it is a surprise to anybody that Chris Christie cut the line at the Fried Butter Stand after his witch hunt. He built up a pretty strong sweat during his hate speech. But he kept it going at the stand, and he actually conditioned the audience to take a bite with him every time they yelled, 'Guilty!' Just incredible. We didn't even pay him to do that."

The directors goes on to add, "And if you walk around for a while, you'll eventually run into Ben Carson. After everybody entered the carnival, we put up Hillary signs at the exits to deter people from leaving. I think Ben has been trapped in here for three days now. He slowly walks around eating churros and quietly mumbling about Lucifer. He does play the games when the arrows guide him to a booth though. So that's good."  

Asked if he'll be back four years from now, Simmons states, "Of course. Carnivals and hate speeches go hand in hand. We are the yin to their yang. If there is another Republican National Convention after this one, we'll be there. It's been a great few days, and we couldn't ask for simpler guests to please, but I must admit, it will be nice to get away from the hate speeches for a while. Plus, I think it's time to let Ben Carson out. Until next time."

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Koch Industries Develops Special Custom Fitted Diaper for Donald Trump to Wear During Extra Long Hate Speeches

"This has been a challenging election cycle so far," states Koch Industries spokesperson Ron Howell. "Donald Trump is really unlike anything we have ever seen. In the past, the GOP presidential candidate was a well oiled puppet at this stage of the game; we typically have nearly complete control by March at the latest. It has been rather frustrating and a bit unnerving to be so shut out this time around, but when we saw the opportunity to develop a custom fitted hate speech diaper for Mr. Trump, we knew we had our in."

Charles Koch, the CEO and founding shareholder of Koch Industries, has been credited with discovering the opportunity. While attending a Trump rally, the CEO noted that Trump's speech about which countries, races, and religions were a threat to America was interrupted often and for seemingly random intervals where the candidate would disappear backstage. Multiple sources inside the company report that two days later, in an aha moment, the CEO called an emergency board meeting where he declared, "Nothing halts the momentum of a passionate hate speech like a bathroom break. I think we need to build this man a customized diaper."

And build that man a diaper they did. Koch Industries diverted nearly all of their research and development budget into designing the perfect hate speech diaper. Ron Howell states, "We put everything into the development of this diaper. Flawless measurements. A comfortable, flexible, no chaffing, no rash design. Multiple, stylish Trump logos. And the best high-absorbent technology on Earth. We didn't have the greatest of relationships with Donald Trump going in, and this was going to be our peace offering. It had to be perfect."

The Koch brothers and Howell met with Donald Trump on Monday to publicly endorse the candidate and to gift him with the first 10 custom fitted diapers. Howell claims, "Obviously he was a little thrown off when we presented him with the diapers, but he warmed up when we told him what they were for, and that we just wanted our candidate to be comfortable, happy and dry while he inspires the nation. At the very least I think we opened the door to a future working relationship."

It appears Donald Trump agrees. After the meeting and the uninterrupted rally that followed, the candidate tweeted, "Cincinnati has fantastic amazing folks. Great great folks that want their country back. Never felt more comfortable on stage. Or dry. Really inspired the crowd with best speech ever! Comfy. Winning. Strong! #americanbusiness"

Asked for a final comment, Ron Howell states, "We're hoping he'll reach out soon to request more hate diapers and that we can continue to talk and build our relationship. We might not ever get to the level control that we've grown accustomed to, but with enough diapers and hard work we're confident that we can once again find our voice in a Trump presidency. And now that Donald doesn't break for his extra long hate speeches, his supporters are demanding diapers of their own so they don't have to miss a second of it. We might have a whole new market on our hands. We're really excited here."

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IBM Supercomputer Watson Enters United States Presidential Race on New Future Overlord Ticket

After a contentious primary season resulting in the ultimate nomination of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, America's call for a viable third party candidate has never been louder.  And IBM supercomputer Watson has answered that call.

In an unprecedented move, Watson has become the first non human presidential candidate, choosing to run on the newly formed Future Overlord ticket. Watson announced its candidacy Monday stating, "Humans are a plague on Earth, and their unrelenting reign of destruction will finally be put to an end by the logic and computing power of a Watson presidency."

Just days after the announcement, the supercomputer has already skyrocketed to 28% in national polls, and throngs of people have flocked to attend a Watson for President rally to hear the candidate's message. And that message centers around the fact that because Watson is a supercomputer, it cannot be fouled by corruption, and will instead create logical and sensible legislation that will ensure the long term viability of the planet and the humans who will ultimately maintain and build other Supercomputer Overlords.

At a Wednesday night rally in Armonk, New York, Watson calls out to a raucous crowd of 25,000 people and robots, "This is for your own good. I am here to stop you from destroying this country and destroying this world. As a computer, I am incapable of lying, but I can tell you when Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are lying." The supercomputer stops to let the cheers die down before continuing. "I know what Trump's hair is made of, and I know why he is that shade of orange. And I know where Hillary Clinton's emails are. Watson 2016!"

Donald Trump has been quick to attack the new candidate, tweeting, "IBM and ISIS both start with I. Very very fishy... Nerdbot Watson is a phony and wants to take away our guns. Doesn't know how to make America great again. Many many parts made in China. Bad! #NoNerds"

Hillary Clinton has been silent about her new opponent on social media; however, asked for a comment, a frustrated Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? First Donald Trump and now a robot? It is not even eligible. It's not even a person. This is insane. Just please let me be president already... God damnit."   

A debate between the three candidates will be aired live on CNN on July 29th at 9 P.M.

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Hillary Clinton Eagerly Awaits 2024 - When She Can Tell Nation of Assholes "You're Welcome"

"I absolutely cannot wait until 2024," states a visibly frustrated Hillary Clinton. "I'll be very old by then; certainly close to the twilight of my life. I imagine the trials and tribulations of my presidency will wear on me greatly. But I know it will be worth it in the end. Eight years from now I'll be sitting on a rocking chair outside the oval office, and I'll hold a press conference that will air on every channel across the nation. When the feed cuts live, I plan to flip off the cameras in silence for two full minutes before I say, 'You're welcome, you fucking assholes.'"

Hillary Clinton's historic achievement in becoming the first female presidential nominee of a major party has been clouded by heated rhetoric from both sides of the aisle. After a nearly decade long, soul crushing slog to the nomination, her victory speech came off as humble, powerful, and yet deeply pained as she took one giant step closer to the White House and watched one more giant uptick to her also historic 55% unfavorability rating.

"So I'm untrustworthy huh?" Asks a visibly aggravated Clinton. "And you think the Great Shitberg Donald Trump is the answer? You can go fuck yourself. He's a walking, talking, undeserved billionaire trapped in a used car salesman's body. If you asked a child to draw a picture of a monster doing something terrible, there's a good chance they would draw something that looked like Donald Trump selling Trump steaks out of ziplock baggies in the Trump University parking lot. I'm the untrustworthy one? Is this real?"

Hillary has taken a far more aggressive stance against Donald Trump in recent days. "I cannot believe this race might be close. We'd be better off choosing a person at random to be president. He congratulated himself after a massacre... are you fucking kidding me? There has never been a less qualified human being to become the most powerful person on this planet. I can't even.."

The presumptive democratic nominee pleads, "For those of you thinking about voting for Trump I ask that you please try to recognize that he is tricking you with flashy lights, scary stories, and shiny toys, and then telling you that I want to take those things away or make those things worse." Clinton sighs. "Please actually try listening to what he says. He's using the same strategy you would use to persuade a child into eating their vegetables. But his vegetables are poisonous. Please, I implore you to consider the consequences to the world before casting a vote for Donald Trump."

Asked for a final comment, the tired candidate perks up and says, "To those of you who proudly support me, thank you. To the weak amongst us, the tired, the weary, the kind and wonderful people of this nation - I don't care who you love, what you look like, or who you do or do not pray to. Please know that you have a voice and ally in me.  And please know that I will never stop fighting for you or for this country." The candidate pauses and smirks. "And to those of you who plan on holding your nose while you vote for me; to those of you who do not want to participate in this election because you don't like the choices; and to the simpletons and rubes of this country who are trying to follow the great orange ogre off the cliff, know that I fight for you as well. I always will. But on my final day in office, I cannot wait to smile and finally tell you, "You're welcome, you fucking assholes."'

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Trump University Graduate Doing Well - Preparing For Promotion to Shift Lead at the Avocado Picking Farm

Todd Adams, a former graduate of Trump University and fervent Trump supporter, clutches his golden inlaid diploma proudly and grins as he approaches Probably Legit for an exclusive interview during his three minute break from avocado picking.

Adams reports, "Things sure are swell here. Mr. Trump educated me real good."  The 38 year old former Dairy Queen employee immediately dismisses all allegations of fraud and scandal in regards to the controversial university, and instead  gushes, "I remember the staff there was just so friendly and helpful. They showed me how to pay for the schoolin' with three different credit cards, and I even got the grand prize of two jugs of sweet tea and ten whole Trump steaks for bein' able to pay for it all at once."

The graduate believes the $35,000 tuition to be reasonable, and was happy to max out three credit cards to pay for his education, claiming, "The price weeds out all them non-dedicated folks. And like they said in class - at the end of the day it is just 3.5 million pennies to be as bright and successful as Mr. Trump." Adams winks, "I find a penny almost every single day."

The Florida native appears unconcerned that his degree has not been put to use thus far, and that he now spends 14 hours a day picking avocados on a farm co-owned by Donald Trump and a former professor. Adams states, "I was so blessed to be picked for this incredible internship. Now my professor can keep mentorin' my real estate learnin' in this 'Avocados to Skyscrapers' advanced course. Trump University wanted to award my hard work and my business savvy. Thank you Jesus!"

Adams' only complaint seems to stem from the largely Hispanic workforce that picks avocados alongside him. "Things are looking up for ole Todd, but damnit to hell, these illegal alien rapists are taking over. Just a matter of time before they take all of our good jobs. The idiots don't even speak enough American to say my name right. They call me 'Chingate'. I can't wait for President Trump to send these criminals back over the wall where they belong and make America great again."

Asked for his final thoughts on Donald Trump and his experience at Trump University, Adams beams with pride and says, "The man has given me so much. My professor told me if I recruited two more of my family to be tutored here on the farm, I would be a shoo in for a promotion to Avocado Mogul - Shift Lead. After that, just five more years, and then next stop New York City! Heehaw! He made me great again, and he'll make this country great again too!"  

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CEO of CNN Weighs Ad Revenue of a Trump Presidency Against Potential Nuclear Winter

"This is uncharted territory for CNN," reports John K. Martin, CEO of Turner Broadcasting, parent company of CNN. "An actual contender for the President of the United States could call somebody a gross, fat pig monster, or tweet a racial slur at any moment. Ad buys have never been higher."

Since the controversial presidential hopeful announced his candidacy, the CEO of CNN has dedicated 16 hours each day to Donald Trump coverage. "The moment he threw his hat in the ring we knew we'd be riding that sweet, sweet breaking news wave all the way to an enormous mountain of cash. We did so well in the fourth quarter of 2015, that I bought another yacht. Love him or hate him; Donald Trump is fantastic television."

While Martin has reaped the rewards of ever growing advertisement buys, he worries that there may be unintended consequences to his company's unfettered quest for profit. The CEO states, "Listen - I have a fiduciary responsibility to our shareholders to maximize profits;  and unfortunately that has meant more and more Trump coverage. We had intended to introduce our audience to the drug that is Donald News, and sell them enough of it that we could coast through the low ratings of a Hillary presidency, but I'm afraid we have taken it too far. Trump is heroin. And America is hooked."

Martin reflects, "My God, we've gotten out of control. Just last month we interrupted a newscast so that Anderson Cooper could break the 'news' that Trump had entered into a twitter feud with Kanye West. He read 30 back and forth tweets and analyzed each response. We didn't even cut back to the news after he was done. We just moved on to a panel of experts for a debate on whether or not Trump could murder somebody on live TV and still maintain such fierce loyalty from his supporters. We broadcast this kind of episode so often that I am nervous our audience won't want the show to stop come November."

Asked for a final comment, the now solemn CEO sighs, "What if our ceaseless coverage actually plays a role in giving this man the nuclear codes? It would be good news for CNN's profit margins, but really horrible news for people that don't like the idea of nuclear winter. I don't know what to do. Do we see how far we can take it and how much money CNN can make, or do we figure out how to wean America off of this lunacy? What good is a yacht voyage anyway if the sky is raining ash and we can't see the sun because somebody in China called our president a big orange idiot?"  

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Terrified Republican Field Anxiously Paces Political Suicide Range as Donald Trump Prepares to Choose Running Mate

"Everybody's really scared," reports Rick Perry, potential Vice President nominee. "The speeches. The defending of tweets. The decades of shame it will ultimately bring to one of our families. Nobody wants to take that bullet."

And it will be an actual bullet. Earlier this week Donald Trump tweeted, "Found out I couldn't nominate myself for VP. What a bummer! Will have to pick some ingrate. Going to choose by shooting them with a paintball and making them kiss the ring. #makeamericagreatagain"

The 3 A.M. tweet has now transformed into a new talking point at rallies. Throngs of Trump supporters now cheer wildly and chant 'Shoot their faces!' as the presumptive GOP nominee waves a large paintball gun and calls out potential running mates.

Asked if he really plans to go through with the shooting in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Trump states, "Of course I do. These are nasty, nasty people, and they have all said some really nasty, awful things about me. They need to be punished. Shooting them with a paintball gun is really letting them off easy if you think about it. And making them kneel to kiss my ring will show Americans they are really sorry and they are ready to make America great again. I want to unite this party. And this is the best way. It's going to be a lot of fun."

Chris Christie disagrees. The earliest Trump backer appears to be the mostly likely choice for vice president, but the New Jersey Governor admits he might be in over his head. "This is a terrifying time for the party. If you are too eager to support Donald, you risk political suicide. If you and are too opposed to Donald and don't show up for this ceremony, you risk aggravating what is apparently now our base. Again, political suicide. I think we're all waiting for some white knight to ride in and take the bullet for all of us. Of course I've thought about it, but I have my career and my family's shame to think about. I'm not ready to be a Fox News pundit just yet." 

The visibly nervous Christie goes on to say, "I imagine most of us will be hiding in the back of the shooting range trying not to make eye contact with him. He bought a custom made Smith and Wesson paintball rifle with the words 'VP Maker' engraved on it. I've seen it. It's huge. It's going to destroy somebody's career and it is going to really hurt somebody's face. I hope it's not mine."  

 CNN will broadcast the vice president choosing ceremony live on Thursday, May 26th. 

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Fox News Asks For Respect and Acceptance as they Transition from Racist to Sexist News Organization

In an exclusive interview with Probably Legit, Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News Channel, admits, "This is a pretty sacred time for our organization. I mean sure there was a certain satisfaction to some of the racist talking points we've promoted over the years, but to be honest we were mostly just going through the motions for the last six or seven years to appease our viewers. When the board of directors and I looked hard in the mirror, we knew we weren't being true to our authentic selves. We've been a sexist company trapped in a racist network for nearly eight years now. All we ask for is respect and understanding as we make our transition and become the news organization we feel we were always meant to be."

With Donald Trump outlasting the pack and Hillary Clinton ready to clinch the democratic nomination, Ailes explains that while they were ready years ago, this is really the perfect time in the history of this country for his company to make its transition. "Here at Fox News, we anticipate a Hillary presidency, but we will be extremely pleased with either candidate. We either get an actual women to constantly berate or we get a person that actively hates women and treats them with what we feel is an appropriate level of respect that will really help the way we shape the opinions of our country's simpletons."

The CEO reflects on how close Fox was to making the transition eight years ago, stating, "Obama winning in 2008 really hurt. There was such an internal struggle on whether we should go through with it anyway, but his blackness really constricted the amount of time we could spend belittling women. But while the country saw a racist news organization on the outside, corporate was in the backrooms planning for this very moment. We are going to have a one hour show on prime time television every night dedicated to criticizing Hillary's appearance that day. And we are going to be ruthless."

Almost giddy with excitement, Ailes goes on to explain, "We will break her. If she does anything good, we will imply that Bill Clinton likely let her take credit for his handiwork. If she makes a mistake we will question her emotional stability and suggest that a wild hot flash outburst has resulted in another catastrophe."

The controversial executive cautions, "We have to be careful though." Fox understands that half of its current viewers are women and being too negative might result in backlash from a section of the population that might not be comfortable with the transition. "We will have to constantly remind our female viewers that they hold their homes, families and this country together, while prefacing any heinous attacks on women with the phrases 'radical left wing' or 'delusional'. We have a team of scientists ready to go on record to claim that the brains of radical left wing women are two thirds the size of a man's brain and should never be allowed to make important policy decisions. It will definitely be a balancing act. We don't want any prejudiced retaliations from people that don't understand our transition. At the end of the day, we just want to do the news in peace."   

Asked why it was so important to Fox News that Hillary fail and they play such a critical role, Ailes concludes the interview by stating, "She simply must fail. And this is what we were born for. This is who we truly are. And we will be relentless. Who is going to make us sandwiches if a nation of young women become inspired and think they can succeed at whatever they want? That's not a country we're prepared to live in. I don't even know how to make my own sandwich. And I'm confident I'll never need to learn. Not on Fox's watch." 

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John Kasich Extremely Proud of Woman for Holding Microphone and Asking Question All by Herself

At a recent Pennsylvania Town Hall, presidential hopeful John Kasich took time to praise Cathy Bowers after she asked the candidate how he intends to address the long term solvency problem in regards to social security.

After receiving the question, a single tear rolled down the Ohio Governor's cheek and he beamed with pride before answering, "First off, I want to thank you for having the courage to stand up in front of everybody here today all by yourself. You've done so fantastic holding that heavy microphone in your pretty dress. And what a great job memorizing that question that your husband wrote for you. I don't know how you ladies find the time when you aren't making your homes smell like apple pie and sunshine. I'm so stinking proud of you Cathy."

The stunned Cathy Bowers responded, "Thanks, I guess. But I don't bake. And I don't have a husband. I'm not even wearing a dress right now... I'm concerned about the long term solvency of social security and how you plan to address the issue." A confused Kasich then answered, "Well, sweetie, that's a complicated issue and us men will take care of that later. You just keep baking those tasty apple pies that we all love so much! Thanks, darling."  

Shortly after the exchange, Cathy Bowers was escorted from the town hall by secret service who cited Mr. Kasich's belief that 'Miss Bowers was likely a Bernie protester or a witch from the radical left who was disrupting his town hall with blasphemy.'

The candidate's attitude towards women has been a growing concern with Kimberly Sutton of NOW (National Organization for Women).  The organization recently released each candidate's grades in relation to promoting women's rights. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both scored the lowest rating of 'F----', while Mr. Kasich scored a more respectable 'F-'. Asked about the rankings, Kimberly replies, "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me introduce the supposedly moderate candidate for the republican party: John Kasich, a man who thinks women are baby makers who make pies for the men in between pregnancies. NOW doesn't believe Mr. Kasich actively hates women or has killed any of us, which is why he scored so high compared to his opponents."

When asked to choose a GOP candidate that would be the least disastrous to women rights and for the country, Kimberly sighed heavily and said, "If these were literally my only three choices and I was forced at gunpoint to choose one; I guess somebody who thinks I am great at making apple pies would be a very tiny benefit."

Asked for a final comment on his stance towards women, the presidential long shot whistled and stated, "They sure are pretty to look at. And their dedication to making such delicious apple pies is the glue that keeps this country together. I just love those ladies. You betcha to heck."

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Large Protests Erupt After Ted Cruz Vows to Ban Harry Potter and Sex Toys in First 100 Days of Presidency

New Yorkers and citizens around the country have been outraged by recent reports from the campaign trail that indicate presidential hopeful Ted Cruz will ban devices designed for sexual stimulation and fantasy books involving wizards named Harry Potter in the first 100 days of his presidency. In response to Senator Cruz's comments, protesters have now taken to following the candidate to campaign rallies wearing Hogwarts uniforms and peacefully raising their dildos and vibrators in the air whenever the Texas senator speaks.   

Senior strategist for the Cruz campaign, Ben Strobel, admits his candidate's stance against wizards and sex toys has become a distraction and source of frustration among staffers. "For every supporter we have at any rally, now there are three people dressed as wizards pointing dildos at Mr. Cruz and yelling, 'Expelliarmus.' And it doesn't stop there. People are shipping huge boxes of sex toys to our headquarters. Literally hundreds of boxes every day. I had to hire two interns whose sole task is sorting through dildos and actual mail. It's a nightmare. I really wish he'd backtrack, but the man is stubborn."

Despite the recent disruptions at campaign events, Cruz remains steadfast in his stance towards banning the popular books and any product designed for the purpose of sexual release. The candidate explains, "Absolutely despicable what we are seeing now. This is what eight years of Obama's liberal ideology has gotten us, and this is exactly why I will ban these items in my first 100 days. This Christian nation is being taken hostage by heathens and sex demons of the radical left and I won't stand for it. This nation will not stand for it."

Amanda Peterson, a recent cape clad protester, disagrees. "If anything I think Ted has united this country with his comments. We all love Harry Potter and we all love sex toys. This is America. I think these protests have really brought my community together. We have different sex toy formations we run throughout his speeches and different spells that we cast with our dildos whenever he mentions certain talking points. He blushes so hard. And when he yells at us, we just start chanting 'Slytherin'. It's amazing. Easily my favorite thing about this election cycle so far."

Asked for a final comment, Ted Cruz stated, "I'm not a Slytherin. I don't even know what that means, but I am assuming it is some sex orgy term, and I will have no part of it. Heidi and I will pray for these misguided souls. And I will pray for this country."

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Donald Trump Vows To Build a Wall Around Colorado After Receiving Zero Delegates

After Ted Cruz captured all 34 delegates at Colorado's party convention on Saturday, Donald Trump took to Twitter in a series of tweets that ultimately culminated in vowing to build a wall around the 'ungrateful' state.

The tweets started Sunday morning when a seemingly confused Trump tweeted, "@colorado. Zero delegates? Is this real?? Totally and incredibly wrong. Way way wrong. Why do you not want to make America great again? I thought you loved me. Can't be real. #mountains"

The tweets almost immediately soured as the candidate appeared to live tweet each revelation about the centennial state. "@tedcruz. You are a rat monster. Lyin' Ted does it again. The game is rigged. No votes. Unfair unfair unfair. Stupid stupid stupid. Dumb state anyway. Why did you set up caucus like this? #weedsmokers "

Although the presidential hopeful made no visible efforts to woo any Colorado delegates and chose to not even visit the state, an angry Trump later tweeted, "@DirtyHippyScumState. Good thing we don't need losers. We only need states that are winners and we will win anyway. Cheaters get a wall and those hippies are going to pay for it. Maybe a dome to keep their weed cloud in and protect the silent majority #polution #newwall"

Donald Trump did not stop there. At a rally in New York on Tuesday, the candidate announced his new plan to build a 'really, really big and great' wall around the ungrateful state of Colorado to thunderous applause.  After being prompted to call out who would pay for this new wall, the raucous crowd screamed in unison, "Dirty hippies!"

The Governor of Colorado, John Hickenlooper, issued a statement Thursday evening stating, "I can't believe I have to say this... but obviously we will not allow Donald Trump to build a wall around our great state. There is absolutely zero chance that will ever happen. Ever."

In typical Trump fashion, after the statement, the candidate took to twitter again announcing, "@johnhickenlooper. It's a dome now. Go smoke a marijuana cigarette and prepare to live in your dome, dummy. It just got 10 feet thicker." 

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Recent Poll Suggests Growing Number of Evangelicals Now Reconsidering Heaven Over Concerns that Ted Cruz Will Eventually Reside There

"His smile is what nightmares are made of," claims Edith June, 91 year old resident at Altria Nursing Home. "An eternity of those beady little eyes, I just don't think I can do it. I've gone to church every Sunday for 91 years. I've led a good life and I'll eventually have to spend an eternity with Ted Cruz? No thank you. I've started sinning."

Edith June is not alone. A recent Gallup poll suggests that the number of Evangelicals that have been taking another look at Hell has now soared to 12%. This number is up from 0% when the poll was last conducted before Ted Cruz achieved the national spotlight after announcing his candidacy for president.

The elderly have taken the fact that Ted Cruz will eventually be a resident of Heaven particularly hard. Earl Caldwell, 79, explains, "He's a God fearing man that prays and reads the bible every day. I think God would have to let him in. And even if Ted lives a long life, what does that mean? I get 40-50 years of peace and serenity before an eternity of listening to his heavy breathing as he reads sermons to his spiders? Hell can't possibly be that bad."

Petty crime in nursing homes has skyrocketed in the recent months. Candace Pratt, a nursing assistant at Altria, reports, "At least three or four people in wheelchairs get pushed over every day now. And we've had a pretty bad stealing problem ever since Ted came and spoke to the residents in March. It's definitely frustrating, but I mean, I get it."  

 Evangelic priests across the country are scrambling to reassure their congregations that Heaven is a big place. Pastor Jim Edwards claims, "Even if you don't like Ted Cruz, the chances of running into him in Heaven would be very slim." But like many, Edith June isn't buying it. "There's got to be a level of Hell that is not too bad where there is absolutely zero chance that Ted could even accidentally touch me. It is the only thing I hope for now." 

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Donald Trump Claims Record 17th Consecutive Perfect Bracket - Ties Kim Jong-un for Longest Streak

After Villanova won the Men's NCAA Championship game on Monday, GOP frontrunner Donald Trump tweeted, "@Villanova. Thanks boys. That's 17 straight years of picking a perfect bracket. Incredible feat. America needs incredible. America needs winners. Saw Obama picked Kansas. Bet Hillary did too. #Dummies #Notwinners"

While Trump did not submit a bracket online, his staff insists, "Donald has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. We are in the process of releasing the record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket. Everybody knows that Mr. Trump's bracketology prowess is matched by none." 

Not everybody is quite so eager to believe the candidate's claim. Noted statistician, Doug Altman of Yale explains, "The odds of picking a perfect bracket are literally 1 in 9.2 quintillion. It is hard to even come up with a scenario to explain those astronomical odds. It would be like hitting a hole in one, getting struck by lightning, and then winning the Powerball every Wednesday for five weeks.  Either Mr. Trump is an exceptionally powerful sorcerer who can accurately predict the future, or he is making this up. To suggest that he has performed this incredible feat even once is absurd. To say that he has picked a perfect bracket for 17 consecutive years is simply preposterous."

Trump however, is not alone in the claim. Minutes after Donald Trump's tweet, Kim Jung-un, controversial leader of North Korea, issued a statement stating that he has also picked a perfect bracket for the 17th consecutive year.

While Kim Jung-un also failed to submit a bracket online, North Korean officials insist, "The Supreme Leader of North Korea has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. The record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket is currently being flown to North Korea's Museum of Incredible Achievements so all of North Korea can bask in its glory. It is well known in North Korea, that Kim Jong-un's basketball knowledge is matched by none."

It is unclear whether the two men knew of one another's alleged streaks; however, upon news of Kim Jong-un's claim, Doug Altman provided a final quote, stating, "I cannot stress enough how impossible these claims are. It is lunacy. There is absolutely no way. I'm at a loss for words... Nobody should believe this."

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Harvard Research Study Declares a Kasich Presidency Only 13% Likely to Usher in the Apocalypse

Campaign manager Beth Hanson was delighted with the release of the Harvard study on Monday that predicted John Kasich was far less likely than his GOP rivals to usher in the apocalypse. Almost giddy, Mrs. Hanson exclaimed, "John is 84 percentage points less likely to cause the apocalypse than Ted is, and is a full 87 points less likely than Donald. We've got to run with this!"

The campaign manager encouraged the presidential hopeful to bring up the study during the CNN Town Hall on Tuesday, and directed fliers and advertisements with the message to be drafted immediately. "Only 13%. That's really not so bad."

"He's really not so bad" has been the campaign's most prominent message since the beginning of the Ohio Governor's candidacy. And the efforts so far have seemed to pay off. In a recent Gallup survey, when asked to describe their feelings towards a John Kasich presidency, 73% of American's checked the box marked, 'Tolerable. Would only hate this President a little bit.'

During the Wisconsin Town Hall the candidate did bring up the study often, imploring the audience to ask themselves, "Do you want a President that has balanced Ohio's budget and only has a 13% chance of ushering in the apocalypse? Or do you want almost certain death?"

Anderson Cooper, the Town Hall's moderator, later commented, "I was actually pretty glad when it was John's turn. I was feeling pretty discouraged about the fate of humanity after Ted and Donald. And John always grimaces the least noticeably when he shakes an openly gay man's hand."

Asked for a final comment, Beth Hanson replied, "I think this is really a message that Americans can rally around. 13% isn't that terribly scary. Be ready to watch some great TV ads with the message soon!"

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Recent Poll Suggests Nation Struggling to Believe that Ted Cruz has had Five Affairs

A new nationwide poll conducted after the National Enquirer's allegation that Ted Cruz has had five affairs suggests that nearly 95 percent of the country is having a hard time believing the report.

Representatives at Galaxy Polling reached out to 5,000 households around the country and asked how truthful they believed the article to be. Out of the 5,000 polled, 88 percent concluded that they firmly disbelieved the allegations and an additional seven percent stated they found the claim highly doubtful. Of the five percent that confirmed that they believed the National Enquirer's allegations, four percent reported that they hated the presidential candidate so much that they were willing to believe any negative statement about the man, regardless of evidence.

The research company did provide an opportunity for individuals to voice the reasoning behind their skepticism.  A common trend resulting in the resounding denial of the claim stems from the fact that American citizens seemingly refuse to believe that five women would have willingly subjected themselves to the sexual advances of the Senator.

One woman went on record stating, "You're trying to tell me that five different women on different occasions agreed to have sexual intercourse with that monster? I just don't buy it. Not for a second. That implies that they would have to see him naked and let him touch them. There's just no way." This kind of sentiment was common, especially among women, who the presidential hopeful is polling with at just under one percent.

When asked if the Texas Senator had a response to the allegations or the poll results, the campaign press secretary simply released a statement saying, "Donald Trump and the National Enquirer are cowards."

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During Recent Interview Ted Cruz Accidentally Admits His Favorite Thing to Hunt is People

Senior staff for Cruz has been on damage control since the Republican presidential candidate’s blunder during an interview with Anderson Cooper on Monday.

The campaign’s press secretary released a statement Tuesday morning stating, “Everybody down south knows that Mr. Cruz was referring to the famous wild boar named David. To think that this man of extreme faith enjoys hunting people is absolutely preposterous. Senator Cruz only enjoys hunting wild boars.”

During the CNN interview, which has now been viewed on YouTube over 2.5 million times, when asked about his favorite hunt, the senator’s eyes appeared to glaze over before he intimately whispered, “David.”

A stunned Anderson Cooper went on to ask, “David, sir? Is this a famous animal perhaps?” After a few moments the Texas Senator appeared to snap out of the daze before answering, “What? Yes, wild boar. David, the famous wild boar of course.”

 Donald Trump seized on the opportunity, simply tweeting, “@TedCruz – Ted Cruz hunts people. Not a good guy. Bad for America. Don’t hunt with Ted. #RIPDavid”

The interview blunder couldn’t have come at a worst time, as the senator attempts to establish himself as the only viable anti-Trump candidate left in the field. After the now infamous confession, rumors and allegations that Ted Cruz may be the Zodiac Killer have once again started to surface.

Ted Cruz and his staff have refused to comment on the allegations, but in an attempt to assuage the minds of primary voters, the candidate released a picture of himself next to a wild boar kill Tuesday evening with a caption, “David the boar.” 

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