CEO of CNN Weighs Ad Revenue of a Trump Presidency Against Potential Nuclear Winter

"This is uncharted territory for CNN," reports John K. Martin, CEO of Turner Broadcasting, parent company of CNN. "An actual contender for the President of the United States could call somebody a gross, fat pig monster, or tweet a racial slur at any moment. Ad buys have never been higher."

Since the controversial presidential hopeful announced his candidacy, the CEO of CNN has dedicated 16 hours each day to Donald Trump coverage. "The moment he threw his hat in the ring we knew we'd be riding that sweet, sweet breaking news wave all the way to an enormous mountain of cash. We did so well in the fourth quarter of 2015, that I bought another yacht. Love him or hate him; Donald Trump is fantastic television."

While Martin has reaped the rewards of ever growing advertisement buys, he worries that there may be unintended consequences to his company's unfettered quest for profit. The CEO states, "Listen - I have a fiduciary responsibility to our shareholders to maximize profits;  and unfortunately that has meant more and more Trump coverage. We had intended to introduce our audience to the drug that is Donald News, and sell them enough of it that we could coast through the low ratings of a Hillary presidency, but I'm afraid we have taken it too far. Trump is heroin. And America is hooked."

Martin reflects, "My God, we've gotten out of control. Just last month we interrupted a newscast so that Anderson Cooper could break the 'news' that Trump had entered into a twitter feud with Kanye West. He read 30 back and forth tweets and analyzed each response. We didn't even cut back to the news after he was done. We just moved on to a panel of experts for a debate on whether or not Trump could murder somebody on live TV and still maintain such fierce loyalty from his supporters. We broadcast this kind of episode so often that I am nervous our audience won't want the show to stop come November."

Asked for a final comment, the now solemn CEO sighs, "What if our ceaseless coverage actually plays a role in giving this man the nuclear codes? It would be good news for CNN's profit margins, but really horrible news for people that don't like the idea of nuclear winter. I don't know what to do. Do we see how far we can take it and how much money CNN can make, or do we figure out how to wean America off of this lunacy? What good is a yacht voyage anyway if the sky is raining ash and we can't see the sun because somebody in China called our president a big orange idiot?"  

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