Terrified Republican Field Anxiously Paces Political Suicide Range as Donald Trump Prepares to Choose Running Mate

"Everybody's really scared," reports Rick Perry, potential Vice President nominee. "The speeches. The defending of tweets. The decades of shame it will ultimately bring to one of our families. Nobody wants to take that bullet."

And it will be an actual bullet. Earlier this week Donald Trump tweeted, "Found out I couldn't nominate myself for VP. What a bummer! Will have to pick some ingrate. Going to choose by shooting them with a paintball and making them kiss the ring. #makeamericagreatagain"

The 3 A.M. tweet has now transformed into a new talking point at rallies. Throngs of Trump supporters now cheer wildly and chant 'Shoot their faces!' as the presumptive GOP nominee waves a large paintball gun and calls out potential running mates.

Asked if he really plans to go through with the shooting in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Trump states, "Of course I do. These are nasty, nasty people, and they have all said some really nasty, awful things about me. They need to be punished. Shooting them with a paintball gun is really letting them off easy if you think about it. And making them kneel to kiss my ring will show Americans they are really sorry and they are ready to make America great again. I want to unite this party. And this is the best way. It's going to be a lot of fun."

Chris Christie disagrees. The earliest Trump backer appears to be the mostly likely choice for vice president, but the New Jersey Governor admits he might be in over his head. "This is a terrifying time for the party. If you are too eager to support Donald, you risk political suicide. If you and are too opposed to Donald and don't show up for this ceremony, you risk aggravating what is apparently now our base. Again, political suicide. I think we're all waiting for some white knight to ride in and take the bullet for all of us. Of course I've thought about it, but I have my career and my family's shame to think about. I'm not ready to be a Fox News pundit just yet." 

The visibly nervous Christie goes on to say, "I imagine most of us will be hiding in the back of the shooting range trying not to make eye contact with him. He bought a custom made Smith and Wesson paintball rifle with the words 'VP Maker' engraved on it. I've seen it. It's huge. It's going to destroy somebody's career and it is going to really hurt somebody's face. I hope it's not mine."  

 CNN will broadcast the vice president choosing ceremony live on Thursday, May 26th. 

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