President Can’t Help Himself – Confirms Affair with Porn Star to Defend Sexual Prowess

Trump’s presidency has been a strange phenomenon. A story about a lawyer setting up a shell company to cover up an affair with a porn star that allegedly occurred while the now first lady was pregnant would have destroyed all presidencies before him. But with the government shutdown, the president’s racist remarks in regards to African countries, the Russian probe, the women’s march, and the general chaos of the news cycle, the president’s alleged affair with Stormy Daniels has gone largely unreported.

That is of course until the president confirmed the allegations Tuesday during his State of the Union speech.  In the middle of the 90 minute speech, Trump called attention to the response and resilience of American people after the devastating fires, hurricanes, and powerful storms of 2017. But at the mention of the word ‘storm’, the president went off script and abruptly announced, “She totally liked it. Believe me.” It appears to be another example of the president unnecessarily shooting himself in the foot, when instead of staying on script, he rambled for another three minutes about his sexual prowess.

Vice President Mike Pence coughed audibly and stomped his foot down once to get the president back on track after he had claimed, “They are saying it was vanilla and plain, it wasn’t vanilla and plain. Absolutely fake. A lot of people tell me it was the best she’s seen. And that’s saying something. Believe me.” The president then paused, briefly took in the stunned faces of the audience, and immediately pivoted by concluding, “And that is why we love and support our troops and first responders who are the bravest and the best people this world has ever seen.” The confused audience then erupted into a standing ovation that lasted 78 seconds.

Asked for clarification on the president’s remarks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a written statement. The statement reads, “The president was speaking metaphorically about the lack of respect our enemies hold for the resilience of our brave first responders and veterans. The president is right; our troops and first responders are the best this world has ever seen.  To sully their honor and muddy their contributions to this great nation with these baseless and disgusting allegations is nothing short of proof that the fake news media does not care for this country or our troops.”

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