Harvard Research Study Declares a Kasich Presidency Only 13% Likely to Usher in the Apocalypse

Campaign manager Beth Hanson was delighted with the release of the Harvard study on Monday that predicted John Kasich was far less likely than his GOP rivals to usher in the apocalypse. Almost giddy, Mrs. Hanson exclaimed, "John is 84 percentage points less likely to cause the apocalypse than Ted is, and is a full 87 points less likely than Donald. We've got to run with this!"

The campaign manager encouraged the presidential hopeful to bring up the study during the CNN Town Hall on Tuesday, and directed fliers and advertisements with the message to be drafted immediately. "Only 13%. That's really not so bad."

"He's really not so bad" has been the campaign's most prominent message since the beginning of the Ohio Governor's candidacy. And the efforts so far have seemed to pay off. In a recent Gallup survey, when asked to describe their feelings towards a John Kasich presidency, 73% of American's checked the box marked, 'Tolerable. Would only hate this President a little bit.'

During the Wisconsin Town Hall the candidate did bring up the study often, imploring the audience to ask themselves, "Do you want a President that has balanced Ohio's budget and only has a 13% chance of ushering in the apocalypse? Or do you want almost certain death?"

Anderson Cooper, the Town Hall's moderator, later commented, "I was actually pretty glad when it was John's turn. I was feeling pretty discouraged about the fate of humanity after Ted and Donald. And John always grimaces the least noticeably when he shakes an openly gay man's hand."

Asked for a final comment, Beth Hanson replied, "I think this is really a message that Americans can rally around. 13% isn't that terribly scary. Be ready to watch some great TV ads with the message soon!"

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