Hole Trump Digging for America Now 57 Feet Deep

It was another chaotic week for Trump. He watched his lead lawyer John Dowd resign as the Russian investigation gains steam, while also facing lawsuits from a reality TV star, a former Playboy Playmate, and a porn star. Trump and his political party also faced marches across the nation where over one million citizens marched for their lives in protest of gun violence. As scandals and blunders plague Trump and his administration from all sides, he has taken out his frustrations by engaging in trade wars and taunting adversaries and allies alike via tweets; and, of course, by continuing his project of digging a gigantic hole for America. 

Probably Legit asked digging expert, Marissa Tallmadge, to evaluate the hole and provide commentary on the president's progress. "Well, he's not even efficiently digging the hole if that is his main intention," begins Marissa. "It looks like he is just haphazardly digging at random. But what most diggers would consider huge blunders, have actually worked out in the president's favor if his intention is to never get out of the hole and make it as dangerous and as deep as possible. He has a penchant for digging small tunnels without thought or foresight to the structure and integrity of the hole. Nearly all of those little tunnels will surely collapse."

Asked if the president is doing anything well, Marissa explains, "To his credit, he never stops digging. Ever. He is making this hole deeper and deeper by the day. The hole is already 57 feet deep. That's pretty incredible for someone who clearly has no knowledge of digging or craftsmanship."  

Asked for a final statement about the hole, Marissa warns, "He is not thinking about, or building, any ways out of this hole. There are no ramps, ladders, ropes, anything. In fact, the little tunnels he digging at random that will all eventually collapse will actually make it even harder to get out of then it is now. I think he wants to bring everyone down into the hole with him."  

*

Please follow Probably Legit on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Trump Celebrates 2,000th Lie as President with 100th Vacation Day at Mar-a-Lago

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago golf club spared no expense to help the president celebrate his 2,000th presidential lie Tuesday. The resort hosted an extravagant Fake News Buster party and presented Trump with a gold inlaid certificate of achievement. The president has recently taken to referring to his lies as ‘Fake News Busters’ and has repeatedly touted his ability in doing so as well as his high number of ‘busts’. Trump has averaged an incredible 6.33 official lies per day since becoming president and the celebration of his 2,000th lie will mark the 100th day out of 316 that he has spent at Mar-a-Lago. Experts have estimated that the party will cost tax payers over $3 million.

What was the president's 2,000th official lie? Right before boarding Air Force One to fly to his resort, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very, very busy day planned at Mar-a-Lago. Will be working tremendously hard for the American people to stop the demon democrats from ruining planet with the help of CNN… I will not let them kill our babies or take our guns or steal our hard earned tax dollars to buy mansion-prisons for thug criminals and illegal aliens that are murdering rapists.”

Eric Shultz, a bipartisan, fact checking expert, shakes his head and sighs. He tells Probably Legit, “Technically, this tweet contains multiple factual inaccuracies. For instance, he claims that he has a busy day planned, but the only things on Trump’s official schedule are '1) Fox n’ Friends time. 2) Golf 3) Yummy chicken fingers'. If we wanted, we could go line by line and likely identify and call out 10 unique lies, but because they were all contained in one official statement from the President of the United States, our policy is to consider this entire message as just one lie. It is his 2,000th.”

*

Please follow Probably Legit on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter! 

Finally! Date set for Trump vs Tillerson IQ Battle Royale

It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Trump Pleased With Hundreds of Parades Held In His Honor

As millions of people across the country participated in the largest protest march in American history, a junior White House staffer lost his job.  The former staffer, who wished not to be named, recounts the tale exclusively for Probably Legit.

The president reportedly first noticed the gathering crowd after attending the inaugural prayer service in the national cathedral. Trump appeared to be frustrated by the long service and many staffers noticed signs of an oncoming tantrum. The president was then driven to his new residence where he allegedly stared out the window for a long while before tentatively asking the on edge staff, "Are they mad about something?"

The staff in the room nervously kicked their shoes and stared at the ground before Kellyanne Conway quickly handed the President his bottle and answered, "Oh no, hon… There, there. Shhh shhh shhh. They are not mad. They are celebrating! It's just a big, fun parade that kept going from yesterday! Shh shhh shhh. They are having parades for you all over the country! They love you sweetie!"

After the three sips of warm milk, the President's nerves calmed noticeably. He then nodded, returned to the window, and announced, "WOW! Big huge parades all over the country! Largest parade in the history of America. Possibly Earth! Only one day in and already winning so much. Really Bigly! All wearing red hats and cheering to make America great again! So honored. We will!"

The president then turned from the window and said, "Tweet that."

The now unemployed staffer says he doesn't regret correcting the president on the color of the hats, but reports that immediately after saying, "I think those hats are pink" he was fired.

Asked if he learned anything from his brief stint working at the White House, the former staffer states, "He did call them red hats in that tweet. And he still got 105k likes. I think I learned that I don't want to be in politics anymore."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Game of Thrones Creators Threaten to Cancel Season 7 Unless the UK Promises to Stop Being Racist Assholes

In the same week as Britain's historic vote to leave the European Union, Game of Thrones concluded its sixth season with what many critics are calling one of the greatest episodes in television history. In the aftermath of the season finale, fans were left in awe and are already eagerly awaiting the return of the beloved HBO series for the seventh season; however, the aftermath of Brexit has left many people fearing for their lives, as the UK's emboldened elderly and uninformed have chosen to now openly yell racial slurs and spit on their fellow countrymen.

Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, the loudest voices of Britain's far-right, helped pave the way for the exit by stoking the growing fear of immigration with barely concealed and sometimes openly racist remarks. As a result, in the days following the vote to leave many non-white UK citizens have reported terrifying incidents of being cornered, spit at, and told to 'leave the country'.  

While the Game of Thrones doesn't directly relate to the UK's decision to leave the EU, much of the show is filmed in Northern Ireland, and many of the shows cast and staff make their homes throughout the UK. After hearing firsthand stories of racism and hatred from staff and friends, show creators D.B. Weiss and David Benioff held a press conference to issue a statement claiming, "Unless the UK promises to stop being racist assholes to one another, we will not be going forward with season seven."

The reaction to the press conference was both swift and immediate. A petition for a revote has already garnered 5.5 million signatures, and fans across the world have chimed in demanding that the elderly and stupid people of England stop being jerks so they can find out what happens next on Game of Thrones.  

Asked whether the threat was serious, David Benioff answers, "Of course our threat is serious. We are tired of seeing so much hate and bigotry on the news each day, and we finally realized we have the power to do something about. If you want to see how the show ends, all you have to do is stop being an asshole and stand up for what is right when you see somebody else being an asshole. And America this goes for you too. If you elect Donald Trump, I swear to God we will kill John Snow in the lamest, least satisfying way possible, and we'll bring back Joffrey to claim the Iron Throne once and for all."

Never failing to respond to any mention of his name, Donald Trump tweeted, "What's wrong with Joffrey? Was very very amazing leader and made the seven kingdoms great. Did the right things like UK just did with Brexit. Beautiful. GOT writers no longer excellent. Likely muslim terrorist sympathizers. Pathetic! #Brexit #Goodjobuk"

As signatures continue to be collected, the world watches and waits to see whether Britain will get another chance to stay in the EU, and whether Game of Thrones will return for a seventh season. 

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Recent Poll Suggests Growing Number of Evangelicals Now Reconsidering Heaven Over Concerns that Ted Cruz Will Eventually Reside There

"His smile is what nightmares are made of," claims Edith June, 91 year old resident at Altria Nursing Home. "An eternity of those beady little eyes, I just don't think I can do it. I've gone to church every Sunday for 91 years. I've led a good life and I'll eventually have to spend an eternity with Ted Cruz? No thank you. I've started sinning."

Edith June is not alone. A recent Gallup poll suggests that the number of Evangelicals that have been taking another look at Hell has now soared to 12%. This number is up from 0% when the poll was last conducted before Ted Cruz achieved the national spotlight after announcing his candidacy for president.

The elderly have taken the fact that Ted Cruz will eventually be a resident of Heaven particularly hard. Earl Caldwell, 79, explains, "He's a God fearing man that prays and reads the bible every day. I think God would have to let him in. And even if Ted lives a long life, what does that mean? I get 40-50 years of peace and serenity before an eternity of listening to his heavy breathing as he reads sermons to his spiders? Hell can't possibly be that bad."

Petty crime in nursing homes has skyrocketed in the recent months. Candace Pratt, a nursing assistant at Altria, reports, "At least three or four people in wheelchairs get pushed over every day now. And we've had a pretty bad stealing problem ever since Ted came and spoke to the residents in March. It's definitely frustrating, but I mean, I get it."  

 Evangelic priests across the country are scrambling to reassure their congregations that Heaven is a big place. Pastor Jim Edwards claims, "Even if you don't like Ted Cruz, the chances of running into him in Heaven would be very slim." But like many, Edith June isn't buying it. "There's got to be a level of Hell that is not too bad where there is absolutely zero chance that Ted could even accidentally touch me. It is the only thing I hope for now." 

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.

Donald Trump Claims Record 17th Consecutive Perfect Bracket - Ties Kim Jong-un for Longest Streak

After Villanova won the Men's NCAA Championship game on Monday, GOP frontrunner Donald Trump tweeted, "@Villanova. Thanks boys. That's 17 straight years of picking a perfect bracket. Incredible feat. America needs incredible. America needs winners. Saw Obama picked Kansas. Bet Hillary did too. #Dummies #Notwinners"

While Trump did not submit a bracket online, his staff insists, "Donald has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. We are in the process of releasing the record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket. Everybody knows that Mr. Trump's bracketology prowess is matched by none." 

Not everybody is quite so eager to believe the candidate's claim. Noted statistician, Doug Altman of Yale explains, "The odds of picking a perfect bracket are literally 1 in 9.2 quintillion. It is hard to even come up with a scenario to explain those astronomical odds. It would be like hitting a hole in one, getting struck by lightning, and then winning the Powerball every Wednesday for five weeks.  Either Mr. Trump is an exceptionally powerful sorcerer who can accurately predict the future, or he is making this up. To suggest that he has performed this incredible feat even once is absurd. To say that he has picked a perfect bracket for 17 consecutive years is simply preposterous."

Trump however, is not alone in the claim. Minutes after Donald Trump's tweet, Kim Jung-un, controversial leader of North Korea, issued a statement stating that he has also picked a perfect bracket for the 17th consecutive year.

While Kim Jung-un also failed to submit a bracket online, North Korean officials insist, "The Supreme Leader of North Korea has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. The record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket is currently being flown to North Korea's Museum of Incredible Achievements so all of North Korea can bask in its glory. It is well known in North Korea, that Kim Jong-un's basketball knowledge is matched by none."

It is unclear whether the two men knew of one another's alleged streaks; however, upon news of Kim Jong-un's claim, Doug Altman provided a final quote, stating, "I cannot stress enough how impossible these claims are. It is lunacy. There is absolutely no way. I'm at a loss for words... Nobody should believe this."

*

Help support the site. Please like us and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Thanks for reading! Share with your friends and let's all laugh through the pain.