Frustrated Trump Consults Fox & Friends on How to Make Gun Problem Go Away – Gets Terrible Advice

Reports from the White House indicate that President Trump has been more frustrated than usual during his 57th consecutive week of disaster, controversy, allegations, and critical missteps. But this time the president’s frustrations stem from an issue he thought would have gone away by now. An aide, wishing to remain anonymous, tells Probably Legit, “Usually when there is a shooting we can tell people we are praying for them and then establish a narrative that works with our donor’s beliefs until people forget about it, but for some reason this one is just different. At least we’ve been able to avoid some Russia questions, but now people are expecting Trump to do something about guns.”

And the aide is right. As pointed out by many, the Republican response to mass shootings has typically been to send thoughts and prayers via a tweet and then to condemn the shooter as a mentally ill criminal while simultaneously pivoting to a rigorous defense of the right to purchase guns. But with the GOP in control of the House, the Senate, and the presidency, people are beginning to cry foul in regards to what they feel are empty words and the hypocrisy of that narrative. And now, as always, Trump is seeking guidance from the most powerful show in the world, Fox & Friends, on how to solve America’s mass shooting crisis.     

But will America be safer with policy enacted from the ramblings and exhausted suggestions from a morning TV show on its 10th consecutive day of coverage? On Friday, Trump quoted Steve Doocy directly when he issued multiple tweets stating, “There’s never been a mass shooting in a prison. Maybe we could have fencing with barbed wires and armed guards in towers at every school. Or maybe I could make a law that says all clothes in America must now be bulletproof? Would that be good? Or maybe each child could be issued a paintball gun. With a lot of paintball guns shooting, it might slow active shooters down. We could maybe put a yellow marking on the paintball guns so police officers could identify between good kids and mentally ill sicko shooters. But then a sicko shooter might also put a yellow marking on their gun… but, it will all work itself out in the law or whatever. You’ll be safer than ever. Believe me.”

Will this time be different? A fed up nation waits.

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Donald Trump Cuts Line to sit on Santa's Lap at Florida Mall

It has been another busy week for Donald Trump. The president's administration voted to repeal net neutrality rules, and even banned their first seven words, ushering in a frightening era of America's first fascist dictator. On Wednesday afternoon, the president openly gloated to the press which he referred to as his enemies, stating, "The American people have spoken, and when I sign this tax bill I will give my friends and my family enough money to ensure our power deep into the 21st century. Merry Christmas liars and losers." The president declined to field questions from the press, instead walking to Air Force One to applause from his republican colleagues before departing to Mar-a-lago for his second vacation of the week.  

After landing, the president was driven via limousine to the Southdale Shopping Center, a mall just west of Trump's golf resort. Upon exiting the vehicle, multiple witnesses report that the president screamed, "I rule America, and I rule the world! You better give me another juice box before I see Santa, Amy!" Amy, along with another presidential aide, gave the president a juice box and gently guided him into the mall.

Once inside, the president pushed aside two children and tipped over a stroller as he shoved his way to the front of the line to visit Santa. Dave, the man dressed as Santa, tells Probably Legit, "I've never seen anything like it. He was yelling, 'Out of my way, peasants!' and was just pushing kids over. He took one of their ice cream comes, took a bite, and then threw the rest of it at another kid when he reached the front of the line. And then he just stared at me in awe. I truly, honest to God, believe that he thought I was the real Santa Claus. He sat on my lap and talked to me for 15 minutes about what he wanted. I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded along. He asked for some weird things. Like for everyone at CNN to be fired, and to be poor, and to not get food stamps. Another tiger. A prettier wife. 100 chocolate milks and cookies for every day of the year. A ski resort. Like the entire resort. No bedtimes. A 100 foot tall border wall with statues of himself at every mile marker. And for everybody to like him and cheer for him when he walks places. And to tell him they love him. He made me promise I would get him those things before he would get off my lap."

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Fox & Friends Still Hasn't Told Trump That Roy Moore Lost

Democrat Doug Jones narrowly defeated controversial Republican candidate Roy Moore in Alabama's special election Tuesday, marking a severe blow to the Trump/Bannon political machine. But it seems that nobody has told Roy Moore, his supporters, or most importantly, the president. Trump held a campaign-like rally Tuesday evening, and another Wednesday morning, where he repeatedly congratulated Roy Moore on winning his senate seat and for running such a tasteful, non-embarrassing campaign. 

Two of the president's aides attempted to gently break the news after CNN called the race in favor of Jones, but Trump reportedly roared in anger before guzzling a two liter of diet coke and screaming 'Fake News! Fake News!' One aide explains, "He didn't want to hear it. When he starts throwing a tantrum like that we generally just need to give him his binky and another diet coke so he can calm down and forget all of the information that he didn't like. We're just going to wait for Fox & Friends to tell him."

Writers at Fox & Friends were up all night, frantically trying to come up with ideas on how to best inform the president about the news he does not want to hear. Steve Doocy, anchor and head writer for the morning show expresses his concern, "This is really going to be a tightrope walk. Whether we like it or not, we're responsible for the president's mood every day. We don't want the president to think it is his fault or that an entire state hates him. That could lead to him doing something drastic like starting a nuclear war, or worse, to stop watching Fox & Friends and start calling us 'fake news'. Plus, it's going to be really hard to tell him anyway. He is having so much fun at his rallies doing his little plays with Roy. Maybe we'll wait and just tell him tomorrow. "

As of 11:10 AM EST Trump has still not been told the results.

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Finally! Date set for Trump vs Tillerson IQ Battle Royale

It’s been over a month now since Donald Trump called out Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and publicly challenged the man responsible for preventing World War III to a series of IQ tests. Tillerson has wisely refused to publicly comment on the matter, declining to add to the overwhelming embarrassment already experienced by the United States. But in private he remains confident, as is the majority of the planet that he would win. And finally, a date has been set.

The MGM Grand in Las Vegas will host the IQ contest on January 20th, 2018, the anniversary of Trump’s inauguration. Vegas odds makers are struggling to set the proper odds for the bout. When the announcement was made, initial Trump odds came in at 100,000 to 1, but as of the publishing of this article, odds for Trump to win have increased to 80,000 to 1.

An odds maker spoke with Probably Legit and stated, “If Trump somehow pulls off an upset it will bankrupt nearly every casino in Las Vegas. We’re all a little nervous. Multiple insurance policies have been taken out. I mean, he was the one who challenged Tillerson. He’s got to have some sort of reason to believe he’ll win…but come on…Either way, it will be incredible to watch and horribly embarrassing as a country.”

Officials close to the president claim he is confident. One source reports, “He canceled all TV and play time yesterday to sit with an intern to give guidance and instructions for the creation of the contest’s poster. Despite multiple suggestions to the contrary, he didn’t seem to care that people might not believe he has a six pack, and he insisted that the American public would know that XS glove size means ‘Extra Strong’. I’ve placed a large wager on Secretary Tillerson.”

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Management at Fox News Frantically Working Out How to Spin Blatant Treason

It’s been a tough week for management at Fox News according to multiple sources close to the upper echelon of the conservative leaning network. With criminal charges filed against three of Trump’s former staff, and certainly more to come, management has been scrambling to figure out how to spin blatant treason against the United States of America.

One source explains, “They think they can keep deflecting with stories about the DNC, Hillary, and the Russian Dossier. Their base likes large words when they repeat talking points, so ‘dossier’ has been great. But they know they can’t keep that up for too much longer. This is clearly just the beginning of likely indictments for the entire administration. And they don’t know how to spin that yet.”

So far they've considered embracing the treason as an impressive and genius strategy to beat the true enemy - the Clinton political machine. They’ve also considered using a minor footnote in the writings of Thomas Jefferson and interpreting it to mean that the founding fathers would have wanted it this way. And most surprisingly, they’ve considered apologizing to the American people for their complicity and fearmongering for profit scheme that has resulted in the steady downfall of our great nation. What will they end up choosing? Time will tell. And luckily for Fox, many analysts believe they still have a few more weeks to decide their best course. 

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Donald Trump Learns Wrong Lesson From Reading of The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Former president, Barrack Obama, returned to the public eye Thursday when he visited the Georgetown Neighborhood Library and read for the Kindergarten class of Steven's Elementary. Believing the former president was trying to impede on his turf, President Trump canceled his weekly Mar-A-Lago trip to attend the reading.

An aide close Mr. Obama confirmed that the former president anticipated such behavior and he came prepared. When Trump entered the room, Mr. Obama quickly put aside Hansel and Gretel and brought out a picture book of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. The aide explains, "In light of recent accusations and conspiracy theories trumpeted as the truth by our commander and chief, President Obama knew he would have an opportunity to teach Mr. Trump an important life lesson in a medium he would understand and be comfortable with."

And the former president was correct. A small wooden box was strategically placed near a student with glasses, and President Trump took the bait.  He pulled the box in front of the student, climbed on top, turned back and called the child a 'loser' before eagerly turning towards the former president for story time.

Multiple people in the room reported losing President Trump in the crowd almost as soon as he joined the children. One student's parent told Probably Legit, "It was amazing. I legitimately could not find him in the crowd until I went student by student looking for an overly large red tie. But there he was, listening and shuffling around like all of the other kids, totally engrossed in the story."

The former president didn't appear to have the same problem finding Donald Trump in the audience. He read the story slowly, making direct eye contact with Trump during critical plot points. He even adlibbed and changed the name of the boy in the book to Little Donny.

After Mr. Obama finished the story, he turned to the crowd of children and asked, "And what lesson do you smart kids think Little Donny learned when the villagers didn't come when he really needed help?" The 1st grade class yelled in unison, "Don't lie, or people will stop believing you and they won't help you when you actually need it!"

Everybody was eager to find out if the President also learned the same lesson, but Mr. Obama's aide reports, "I thought he might have done it, but I don't think the lesson sunk in. Mr. Obama smiled after the kids correctly answered his question and then he turned to President Trump who was also smiling. But Trump just jumped off his box, said, 'I'm President! And you're not!' and then he pushed the kid with glasses and left the library."

President Trump later confirmed he learned the wrong lesson, or that he is an evil mastermind, when he tweeted, "Great time at book building with kids. Great story told by bad storyteller. Sad. Once the wolf tricks the boy into spreading fake news, he gets to eat all of the sheep. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain"

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Hillary Clinton Furious That Donald Trump Stole Her Smoky Entrance to Queen Idea

After what many are calling a four day witch hunt and hate rally, recent reports indicate that Hillary Clinton is most upset that Donald Trump entered his convention through a cloud of bellowing smoke to the lyrics of a Queen song. An aide close Clinton reports, "She just paces back and forth and plays the clip over and over. After it's done she screams 'That was my fucking idea!' and punches a new hole through the hotel wall."

In a Republican National Convention that catered to one member who actively called for Hillary to be shot by a firing squad, as well as multiple chants of 'lock her up' and 'guilty', many in Clinton's camp are concerned that the candidate seems to only care about Trump allegedly stealing her entrance idea. Clinton's chief campaign manager, Huma Abedin, states, "She has been planning on entering the stage for her acceptance speech to We Are The Champions by Queen for nearly 10 years now. We were all really bummed when Trump ended up doing it, but I think she is focusing solely on this as a kind of coping mechanism. I mean that entire hate rally was really hard to watch. I just don't buy it that she doesn't care that she was linked to Lucifer to a chorus of boos and that millions of people want her dead or in jail. That would be hard on anyone. I think she is compartmentalizing everything, but she just keeps punching holes through walls and yelling 'No, I am the fucking champion!' so I don't know."

As Clinton's acceptance speech nears, her staff has been busy contracting out the many wall repairs and trying to keep their candidate calm and focused. Abedin continues, "We've been trying to maintain a delicate balance of using this to channel that fury and determination that she'll need over the next 100 days, and showing her clips from DNC speeches to remind her what she's been fighting for and that not everybody hates her. I think it's working. Now, we just need to find her a new song."

When asked for her reaction after watching four days of RNC coverage and how she plans on entering the stage now, Clinton punches another hole in the wall before sighing heavily and stating, "I will do my best to fight for everyone in this country, even those who hate me. And I'll just walk in and have some sort of wind machines or something I guess... and maybe Roar by Katy Perry. I don't know. Fuck! God damnit!"

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Crowds Demand Deep Fried Butter Sticks and Simple Games Between RNC Carnival Hate Speeches

Cleveland played host to the Republican National Convention this week where Donald Trump became the official Republican nominee. As thousands flocked to Quicken Loans Arena to hear a star studded lineup featuring Scott Baio and the cast of Duck Dynasty, Todd Simmons, director of Carnival Midways, set up shop just outside.

Simmons states, "We travel all over the country, but we never miss a chance for a Republican National Convention Carnival. Every four years we set another record for profits during the four day event, but this year has been absolutely incredible. These are very simple people. Somehow even more so this year. All we did was draw Trump arrows on the ground and they just waddle from booth to booth and give us their money. After a day of hate speeches these people just want to relax with a nice deep fried stick of butter and a simple game where they can try to throw darts at Hillary balloons."

The director does admit that this year his games needed to dumbed down a bit more than usual. "Really any game with more than one simple directive is off limits for this crowd. Again these are very simple people. They know which colors to boo at and when to chant USA and when to say, 'One nation, under God', but if you have a game with multiple steps and any sort of critical thinking, their eyes just kind of glaze over and they start drooling a bit. You have to snap them out of it by whispering 'Black Lives Matter' into their ears. This year we've tried to stick to throwing darts at different things and ring tosses."

RNC delegates and fans aren't the only ones to participate. Multiple Senators, Governors and public figures have been seen wandering the carnival after their hate speeches. "I don't think it is a surprise to anybody that Chris Christie cut the line at the Fried Butter Stand after his witch hunt. He built up a pretty strong sweat during his hate speech. But he kept it going at the stand, and he actually conditioned the audience to take a bite with him every time they yelled, 'Guilty!' Just incredible. We didn't even pay him to do that."

The directors goes on to add, "And if you walk around for a while, you'll eventually run into Ben Carson. After everybody entered the carnival, we put up Hillary signs at the exits to deter people from leaving. I think Ben has been trapped in here for three days now. He slowly walks around eating churros and quietly mumbling about Lucifer. He does play the games when the arrows guide him to a booth though. So that's good."  

Asked if he'll be back four years from now, Simmons states, "Of course. Carnivals and hate speeches go hand in hand. We are the yin to their yang. If there is another Republican National Convention after this one, we'll be there. It's been a great few days, and we couldn't ask for simpler guests to please, but I must admit, it will be nice to get away from the hate speeches for a while. Plus, I think it's time to let Ben Carson out. Until next time."

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Game of Thrones Creators Threaten to Cancel Season 7 Unless the UK Promises to Stop Being Racist Assholes

In the same week as Britain's historic vote to leave the European Union, Game of Thrones concluded its sixth season with what many critics are calling one of the greatest episodes in television history. In the aftermath of the season finale, fans were left in awe and are already eagerly awaiting the return of the beloved HBO series for the seventh season; however, the aftermath of Brexit has left many people fearing for their lives, as the UK's emboldened elderly and uninformed have chosen to now openly yell racial slurs and spit on their fellow countrymen.

Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, the loudest voices of Britain's far-right, helped pave the way for the exit by stoking the growing fear of immigration with barely concealed and sometimes openly racist remarks. As a result, in the days following the vote to leave many non-white UK citizens have reported terrifying incidents of being cornered, spit at, and told to 'leave the country'.  

While the Game of Thrones doesn't directly relate to the UK's decision to leave the EU, much of the show is filmed in Northern Ireland, and many of the shows cast and staff make their homes throughout the UK. After hearing firsthand stories of racism and hatred from staff and friends, show creators D.B. Weiss and David Benioff held a press conference to issue a statement claiming, "Unless the UK promises to stop being racist assholes to one another, we will not be going forward with season seven."

The reaction to the press conference was both swift and immediate. A petition for a revote has already garnered 5.5 million signatures, and fans across the world have chimed in demanding that the elderly and stupid people of England stop being jerks so they can find out what happens next on Game of Thrones.  

Asked whether the threat was serious, David Benioff answers, "Of course our threat is serious. We are tired of seeing so much hate and bigotry on the news each day, and we finally realized we have the power to do something about. If you want to see how the show ends, all you have to do is stop being an asshole and stand up for what is right when you see somebody else being an asshole. And America this goes for you too. If you elect Donald Trump, I swear to God we will kill John Snow in the lamest, least satisfying way possible, and we'll bring back Joffrey to claim the Iron Throne once and for all."

Never failing to respond to any mention of his name, Donald Trump tweeted, "What's wrong with Joffrey? Was very very amazing leader and made the seven kingdoms great. Did the right things like UK just did with Brexit. Beautiful. GOT writers no longer excellent. Likely muslim terrorist sympathizers. Pathetic! #Brexit #Goodjobuk"

As signatures continue to be collected, the world watches and waits to see whether Britain will get another chance to stay in the EU, and whether Game of Thrones will return for a seventh season. 

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