Donald Trump Cuts Line to sit on Santa's Lap at Florida Mall
It has been another busy week for Donald Trump. The president's administration voted to repeal net neutrality rules, and even banned their first seven words, ushering in a frightening era of America's first fascist dictator. On Wednesday afternoon, the president openly gloated to the press which he referred to as his enemies, stating, "The American people have spoken, and when I sign this tax bill I will give my friends and my family enough money to ensure our power deep into the 21st century. Merry Christmas liars and losers." The president declined to field questions from the press, instead walking to Air Force One to applause from his republican colleagues before departing to Mar-a-lago for his second vacation of the week.
After landing, the president was driven via limousine to the Southdale Shopping Center, a mall just west of Trump's golf resort. Upon exiting the vehicle, multiple witnesses report that the president screamed, "I rule America, and I rule the world! You better give me another juice box before I see Santa, Amy!" Amy, along with another presidential aide, gave the president a juice box and gently guided him into the mall.
Once inside, the president pushed aside two children and tipped over a stroller as he shoved his way to the front of the line to visit Santa. Dave, the man dressed as Santa, tells Probably Legit, "I've never seen anything like it. He was yelling, 'Out of my way, peasants!' and was just pushing kids over. He took one of their ice cream comes, took a bite, and then threw the rest of it at another kid when he reached the front of the line. And then he just stared at me in awe. I truly, honest to God, believe that he thought I was the real Santa Claus. He sat on my lap and talked to me for 15 minutes about what he wanted. I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded along. He asked for some weird things. Like for everyone at CNN to be fired, and to be poor, and to not get food stamps. Another tiger. A prettier wife. 100 chocolate milks and cookies for every day of the year. A ski resort. Like the entire resort. No bedtimes. A 100 foot tall border wall with statues of himself at every mile marker. And for everybody to like him and cheer for him when he walks places. And to tell him they love him. He made me promise I would get him those things before he would get off my lap."
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