Large Protests Erupt After Ted Cruz Vows to Ban Harry Potter and Sex Toys in First 100 Days of Presidency

New Yorkers and citizens around the country have been outraged by recent reports from the campaign trail that indicate presidential hopeful Ted Cruz will ban devices designed for sexual stimulation and fantasy books involving wizards named Harry Potter in the first 100 days of his presidency. In response to Senator Cruz's comments, protesters have now taken to following the candidate to campaign rallies wearing Hogwarts uniforms and peacefully raising their dildos and vibrators in the air whenever the Texas senator speaks.   

Senior strategist for the Cruz campaign, Ben Strobel, admits his candidate's stance against wizards and sex toys has become a distraction and source of frustration among staffers. "For every supporter we have at any rally, now there are three people dressed as wizards pointing dildos at Mr. Cruz and yelling, 'Expelliarmus.' And it doesn't stop there. People are shipping huge boxes of sex toys to our headquarters. Literally hundreds of boxes every day. I had to hire two interns whose sole task is sorting through dildos and actual mail. It's a nightmare. I really wish he'd backtrack, but the man is stubborn."

Despite the recent disruptions at campaign events, Cruz remains steadfast in his stance towards banning the popular books and any product designed for the purpose of sexual release. The candidate explains, "Absolutely despicable what we are seeing now. This is what eight years of Obama's liberal ideology has gotten us, and this is exactly why I will ban these items in my first 100 days. This Christian nation is being taken hostage by heathens and sex demons of the radical left and I won't stand for it. This nation will not stand for it."

Amanda Peterson, a recent cape clad protester, disagrees. "If anything I think Ted has united this country with his comments. We all love Harry Potter and we all love sex toys. This is America. I think these protests have really brought my community together. We have different sex toy formations we run throughout his speeches and different spells that we cast with our dildos whenever he mentions certain talking points. He blushes so hard. And when he yells at us, we just start chanting 'Slytherin'. It's amazing. Easily my favorite thing about this election cycle so far."

Asked for a final comment, Ted Cruz stated, "I'm not a Slytherin. I don't even know what that means, but I am assuming it is some sex orgy term, and I will have no part of it. Heidi and I will pray for these misguided souls. And I will pray for this country."

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Donald Trump Vows To Build a Wall Around Colorado After Receiving Zero Delegates

After Ted Cruz captured all 34 delegates at Colorado's party convention on Saturday, Donald Trump took to Twitter in a series of tweets that ultimately culminated in vowing to build a wall around the 'ungrateful' state.

The tweets started Sunday morning when a seemingly confused Trump tweeted, "@colorado. Zero delegates? Is this real?? Totally and incredibly wrong. Way way wrong. Why do you not want to make America great again? I thought you loved me. Can't be real. #mountains"

The tweets almost immediately soured as the candidate appeared to live tweet each revelation about the centennial state. "@tedcruz. You are a rat monster. Lyin' Ted does it again. The game is rigged. No votes. Unfair unfair unfair. Stupid stupid stupid. Dumb state anyway. Why did you set up caucus like this? #weedsmokers "

Although the presidential hopeful made no visible efforts to woo any Colorado delegates and chose to not even visit the state, an angry Trump later tweeted, "@DirtyHippyScumState. Good thing we don't need losers. We only need states that are winners and we will win anyway. Cheaters get a wall and those hippies are going to pay for it. Maybe a dome to keep their weed cloud in and protect the silent majority #polution #newwall"

Donald Trump did not stop there. At a rally in New York on Tuesday, the candidate announced his new plan to build a 'really, really big and great' wall around the ungrateful state of Colorado to thunderous applause.  After being prompted to call out who would pay for this new wall, the raucous crowd screamed in unison, "Dirty hippies!"

The Governor of Colorado, John Hickenlooper, issued a statement Thursday evening stating, "I can't believe I have to say this... but obviously we will not allow Donald Trump to build a wall around our great state. There is absolutely zero chance that will ever happen. Ever."

In typical Trump fashion, after the statement, the candidate took to twitter again announcing, "@johnhickenlooper. It's a dome now. Go smoke a marijuana cigarette and prepare to live in your dome, dummy. It just got 10 feet thicker." 

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Recent Poll Suggests Growing Number of Evangelicals Now Reconsidering Heaven Over Concerns that Ted Cruz Will Eventually Reside There

"His smile is what nightmares are made of," claims Edith June, 91 year old resident at Altria Nursing Home. "An eternity of those beady little eyes, I just don't think I can do it. I've gone to church every Sunday for 91 years. I've led a good life and I'll eventually have to spend an eternity with Ted Cruz? No thank you. I've started sinning."

Edith June is not alone. A recent Gallup poll suggests that the number of Evangelicals that have been taking another look at Hell has now soared to 12%. This number is up from 0% when the poll was last conducted before Ted Cruz achieved the national spotlight after announcing his candidacy for president.

The elderly have taken the fact that Ted Cruz will eventually be a resident of Heaven particularly hard. Earl Caldwell, 79, explains, "He's a God fearing man that prays and reads the bible every day. I think God would have to let him in. And even if Ted lives a long life, what does that mean? I get 40-50 years of peace and serenity before an eternity of listening to his heavy breathing as he reads sermons to his spiders? Hell can't possibly be that bad."

Petty crime in nursing homes has skyrocketed in the recent months. Candace Pratt, a nursing assistant at Altria, reports, "At least three or four people in wheelchairs get pushed over every day now. And we've had a pretty bad stealing problem ever since Ted came and spoke to the residents in March. It's definitely frustrating, but I mean, I get it."  

 Evangelic priests across the country are scrambling to reassure their congregations that Heaven is a big place. Pastor Jim Edwards claims, "Even if you don't like Ted Cruz, the chances of running into him in Heaven would be very slim." But like many, Edith June isn't buying it. "There's got to be a level of Hell that is not too bad where there is absolutely zero chance that Ted could even accidentally touch me. It is the only thing I hope for now." 

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Alarming Number of Google Searches Now Beginning with "I'm a good Christian, but..."

Analysts at Google discovered a trend starting in 2008 when a few pockets of citizens in the south began searches with the phrase; however, new research shows that nearly eight percent of all searches in America now begin with the phrase, "I'm a good Christian, but...".

Tom Gallagher, a senior analyst with Google, comments, "The fact that nearly eight percent of the country is actually typing in 'I'm a good Christian, but...' before completing their search command is simply a fascinating phenomenon. I mean, you don't have to do that."

The analyst goes on to explain that searches with the unnecessary opening phrase that began in 2008, typically also included the then presidential candidate Barack Obama. An example of a popular search in 2008 was, "I'm a good Christian, but I don't trust the Muslim, Barack Obama." Tom points out, "This isn't even necessarily a proper search. It was more of a statement that people from the south would type into their computers eight years ago."

Now, in 2016, President Obama continues to maintain a strong presence in searches that begin with the opening caveat; however, analysts indicate that the phrase now seems to also be included with completely unrelated search requests. Mr. Gallagher explains, "It appears that the phrase has become so common, that people no longer notice that they include it at the beginning of most sentences. It's just as common now to see searches that start, 'I'm a good Christian, but yummy steak near me' or 'I'm a good Christian, but closest walmart.'"

The analysts at Google claim their search algorithms simply ignore the unneeded opening statement, but insist that they will continue tracking the phenomenon.  

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Donald Trump Claims Record 17th Consecutive Perfect Bracket - Ties Kim Jong-un for Longest Streak

After Villanova won the Men's NCAA Championship game on Monday, GOP frontrunner Donald Trump tweeted, "@Villanova. Thanks boys. That's 17 straight years of picking a perfect bracket. Incredible feat. America needs incredible. America needs winners. Saw Obama picked Kansas. Bet Hillary did too. #Dummies #Notwinners"

While Trump did not submit a bracket online, his staff insists, "Donald has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. We are in the process of releasing the record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket. Everybody knows that Mr. Trump's bracketology prowess is matched by none." 

Not everybody is quite so eager to believe the candidate's claim. Noted statistician, Doug Altman of Yale explains, "The odds of picking a perfect bracket are literally 1 in 9.2 quintillion. It is hard to even come up with a scenario to explain those astronomical odds. It would be like hitting a hole in one, getting struck by lightning, and then winning the Powerball every Wednesday for five weeks.  Either Mr. Trump is an exceptionally powerful sorcerer who can accurately predict the future, or he is making this up. To suggest that he has performed this incredible feat even once is absurd. To say that he has picked a perfect bracket for 17 consecutive years is simply preposterous."

Trump however, is not alone in the claim. Minutes after Donald Trump's tweet, Kim Jung-un, controversial leader of North Korea, issued a statement stating that he has also picked a perfect bracket for the 17th consecutive year.

While Kim Jung-un also failed to submit a bracket online, North Korean officials insist, "The Supreme Leader of North Korea has always marked his picks on a printable bracket. The record breaking 17th consecutive perfect bracket is currently being flown to North Korea's Museum of Incredible Achievements so all of North Korea can bask in its glory. It is well known in North Korea, that Kim Jong-un's basketball knowledge is matched by none."

It is unclear whether the two men knew of one another's alleged streaks; however, upon news of Kim Jong-un's claim, Doug Altman provided a final quote, stating, "I cannot stress enough how impossible these claims are. It is lunacy. There is absolutely no way. I'm at a loss for words... Nobody should believe this."

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Harvard Research Study Declares a Kasich Presidency Only 13% Likely to Usher in the Apocalypse

Campaign manager Beth Hanson was delighted with the release of the Harvard study on Monday that predicted John Kasich was far less likely than his GOP rivals to usher in the apocalypse. Almost giddy, Mrs. Hanson exclaimed, "John is 84 percentage points less likely to cause the apocalypse than Ted is, and is a full 87 points less likely than Donald. We've got to run with this!"

The campaign manager encouraged the presidential hopeful to bring up the study during the CNN Town Hall on Tuesday, and directed fliers and advertisements with the message to be drafted immediately. "Only 13%. That's really not so bad."

"He's really not so bad" has been the campaign's most prominent message since the beginning of the Ohio Governor's candidacy. And the efforts so far have seemed to pay off. In a recent Gallup survey, when asked to describe their feelings towards a John Kasich presidency, 73% of American's checked the box marked, 'Tolerable. Would only hate this President a little bit.'

During the Wisconsin Town Hall the candidate did bring up the study often, imploring the audience to ask themselves, "Do you want a President that has balanced Ohio's budget and only has a 13% chance of ushering in the apocalypse? Or do you want almost certain death?"

Anderson Cooper, the Town Hall's moderator, later commented, "I was actually pretty glad when it was John's turn. I was feeling pretty discouraged about the fate of humanity after Ted and Donald. And John always grimaces the least noticeably when he shakes an openly gay man's hand."

Asked for a final comment, Beth Hanson replied, "I think this is really a message that Americans can rally around. 13% isn't that terribly scary. Be ready to watch some great TV ads with the message soon!"

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Recent Poll Suggests Nation Struggling to Believe that Ted Cruz has had Five Affairs

A new nationwide poll conducted after the National Enquirer's allegation that Ted Cruz has had five affairs suggests that nearly 95 percent of the country is having a hard time believing the report.

Representatives at Galaxy Polling reached out to 5,000 households around the country and asked how truthful they believed the article to be. Out of the 5,000 polled, 88 percent concluded that they firmly disbelieved the allegations and an additional seven percent stated they found the claim highly doubtful. Of the five percent that confirmed that they believed the National Enquirer's allegations, four percent reported that they hated the presidential candidate so much that they were willing to believe any negative statement about the man, regardless of evidence.

The research company did provide an opportunity for individuals to voice the reasoning behind their skepticism.  A common trend resulting in the resounding denial of the claim stems from the fact that American citizens seemingly refuse to believe that five women would have willingly subjected themselves to the sexual advances of the Senator.

One woman went on record stating, "You're trying to tell me that five different women on different occasions agreed to have sexual intercourse with that monster? I just don't buy it. Not for a second. That implies that they would have to see him naked and let him touch them. There's just no way." This kind of sentiment was common, especially among women, who the presidential hopeful is polling with at just under one percent.

When asked if the Texas Senator had a response to the allegations or the poll results, the campaign press secretary simply released a statement saying, "Donald Trump and the National Enquirer are cowards."

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During Recent Interview Ted Cruz Accidentally Admits His Favorite Thing to Hunt is People

Senior staff for Cruz has been on damage control since the Republican presidential candidate’s blunder during an interview with Anderson Cooper on Monday.

The campaign’s press secretary released a statement Tuesday morning stating, “Everybody down south knows that Mr. Cruz was referring to the famous wild boar named David. To think that this man of extreme faith enjoys hunting people is absolutely preposterous. Senator Cruz only enjoys hunting wild boars.”

During the CNN interview, which has now been viewed on YouTube over 2.5 million times, when asked about his favorite hunt, the senator’s eyes appeared to glaze over before he intimately whispered, “David.”

A stunned Anderson Cooper went on to ask, “David, sir? Is this a famous animal perhaps?” After a few moments the Texas Senator appeared to snap out of the daze before answering, “What? Yes, wild boar. David, the famous wild boar of course.”

 Donald Trump seized on the opportunity, simply tweeting, “@TedCruz – Ted Cruz hunts people. Not a good guy. Bad for America. Don’t hunt with Ted. #RIPDavid”

The interview blunder couldn’t have come at a worst time, as the senator attempts to establish himself as the only viable anti-Trump candidate left in the field. After the now infamous confession, rumors and allegations that Ted Cruz may be the Zodiac Killer have once again started to surface.

Ted Cruz and his staff have refused to comment on the allegations, but in an attempt to assuage the minds of primary voters, the candidate released a picture of himself next to a wild boar kill Tuesday evening with a caption, “David the boar.” 

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