Trump's Press Secretary Reluctantly Approaches Podium with Talking Points Clearly Written in Red Crayon

"I don't think he's sleeping much. He's definitely wearing the same baggy suit every day. To be honest, we are all pretty worried about him," states senior White House correspondent, Shelley Brinkman. "And the gum... my god, that can't be healthy."

Brinkman is referring to Press Secretary Spicer's habit of chewing and swallowing pieces of Orbit cinnamon chewing gum multiple times throughout the course of each press conference. "We all noticed the habit immediately. Whenever he was about to say something he knew we would call bullshit on he would start rapidly chewing a piece and then right after he delivered an alternative fact he would swallow it. He says he has always chewed and swallowed gum, but it has to be some sort of coping mechanism,” muses the correspondent. “He doesn't even hide it anymore. He just puts all ten packs of gum he'll need to get through the conference right there on the podium with him. I don't think there is anybody in America that hates their job more right now.”

Shelley Brinkman has been covering the White House for 13 years now. She tells Probably Legit, "I've met and built a working relationship with six different press secretaries since I started covering the White House. We spend multiple hours a day together, and there is always a special kind of bond that forms with the give and take nature of the job. But I have never seen anything like this. It has only been 11 days and the man is breaking. At this point he's swallowing probably 2-3 pieces per minute. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is too much gum to be swallowing each minute."

Brinkman continues, "And it's getting worse. Just today, we could see how reluctant he looked to walk out to his podium. He looked a little more stressed than usual. His hands were shaking and he was holding multiple loose leaf pages of notes that had obviously been angrily written in red crayon. He stopped at the podium and meticulously unwrapped five pieces of gum. He put all five pieces in his mouth, chewed maniacally, and then with a straight face he looked down at his notes and deadpan opened with, and I quote, 'Expert White House doctors say Donald Trump is very, very strong. Most likely the strongest president ever. He is really, really, strong, and really good at being a strong, great president. And he’s great at ratings. Anyone, like a TV host with a stupid accent, who says he's not really strong is a liar.' After that he held up a crayon drawing of a stick figure with muscles, paused, and in total silence he just made sad eye contact with each of us and swallowed a huge glob of cinnamon gum. It was heartbreaking. We all just let him have that one. Nobody asked a follow up."

A source close to Probably Legit confirms that the press secretary has now officially dedicated $1,000 of his yearly budget to Orbit cinnamon flavored gum. The source goes on to report that Orbit has now denied multiple requests for large purchase discounts or sponsorships. Instead, Orbit issued a statement saying, “Orbit gum was brought to America by an immigrant and the company does not agree with the President’s exclusionary policies.”

Asked for any final thoughts on the press secretary’s struggles during his first 11 days, Brinkman concludes, “I wish people on twitter would take it a little easier on him. Ever since they found out, they have tweeted mean things at him like, ‘You are doing wrong, and so is the President! Switch to Big Red, you big sweaty douche.’ But Big Red was also founded by an immigrant. I think we also should consider that this might be some sort of hostage situation where he is reading those things to save his family or something. I know it is frustrating, but we could all be a little nicer to Sean.”

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