White House Aide Finds Trump’s Crumpled Up New Year’s Resolutions

It was another stressful week for citizens of the United States and the world, as Donald Trump threatened to start a nuclear war and revelations about his mental health were once again brought to the limelight by Michael Wolff’s depiction of the president in his book Fire and Fury. But in the hectic reporting on new and scary revelations, Trump’s 2018 resolutions went unreported. The president insisted that everyone should believe him that they were beautiful resolutions and would certainly make America great again, and that he would reveal them once they had come true. But now, thanks to the sharp eyes of a White House intern, some of the president’s resolutions have surfaced.

Tim Fairchild claims to have found a sheet of paper that the president wrote his resolutions on crumpled in a trash can just outside of the situation room. Probably Legit examined the document which was written in crayon in large block letters. To the president’s credit, only three words were misspelled. There also appears to be multiple wet marks on the paper. Tim states that he believes they are spills from one of the president’s diet cokes, or maybe tears because of how immediately he failed at each of the resolutions.

Tim also believes that this is only one page of many. He claims, “I believe the Chief of Staff gave Trump a task to distract him after he bragged about the size of his nuclear button and hinted that he would annihilate a country and race of people. It would explain why none of the staff saw the president for a full day after that. Mr. Kelly often gives the president menial tasks to prevent him from making situations worse.”

Tim continues, “I wish I could find the other pages. But even this one is gold. Who would have guessed that he would have insulted Oprah already? And it’s almost like he sabotaged himself by writing that he wouldn’t tweet about how much of a genius he is to shut up the losers and haters. And then the ‘Earn three gold star stickers from Mr. Kelly so I can have a later bedtime.’ Yikes.”

The intern plans to write a bestselling novel about his time in the White House.